Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
