oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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