dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
