I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
