is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
