Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
