if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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