So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
