a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
