Pants 0. Shit 1.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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