i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
