Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
