WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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