we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
