What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
