he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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