respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Randomize