What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
