so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
