I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
