mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Randomize
