i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
