Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
