He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
