Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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