Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
