then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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