I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
