You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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