I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
