Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
