Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
two words...techno handjob
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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