im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
