I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
