i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
