Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize