I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
