he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
