i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
