you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
