He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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