I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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