The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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