i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
