i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
