I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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