Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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