i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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