You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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