There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
