Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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