i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
home. puking in laundry basket.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
why is half of my head shaved?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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