Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
