oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
