i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
