So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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