I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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