Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
