As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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